Monday, December 31, 2012
19 Hours
I lay in bed, pain free for the first time in 19 hours, restless...unappreciative. Wonderfully beautiful, my husbands face catches what little light still dances in the room at 3am. Why do i suffer? Why did i have to hurt so badly that i sleptall day, seeking refuge in the unconsious? These thoughts torment me. Even still, i write in the corner of my room, hiding from what? I do not know. The Bible tells us that "joy comes in the morning." Oh how I wish the sun would race across the sky and bring joy unto my heart. Oh God in heaven, be merciful unto me. Rid me of this physical pain...this pain that drags depression behind it like a wicked cape.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Spiritual/Mental/Physical
About a week ago, I got back from a ten day stay in a mental institution. Since my seizures are uncontrolled, my Dr gave me something new. This 'something' ended up giving me paranoia and other such awesomeness. Therefore, I willingly admitted myself.
Waiting in the ER, my thoughts went to the worst when I imagined my stay in a mental institution. My thoughts ran to all the typical scenes in Hollywood movies: man banging his helmeted head against the wall...girl being raped by a guard.
Thankfully, my experience was so far beyond amazing. Yes, my meals were planned and carefully examined to check how much i had eaten. Yes, I couldn't wear shoelaces due to the hanging hazard. BUT, there was so many amazing people that I ate my scheduled meals with and strolled around shoelaceless with! We read the Bible together twice and talked about God often.
I was given clothes by a woman who cared about me. My family hadn't been able to make it yet, so she left me her clothes when she was discharged. How amazing is that? That is such a God thing! I didn't have to worry about what I wore, because he provided it for me! God cared that I was one of the only people still wearing scrubs after a few days of being there. HE CARES!
Eric and Amber blessed me beyond reason! Eric, a rambunctious guy kept things lively and made me find confidence in myself. Amber made me feel at home and comfortable in such a strange place.
Jimi and Charlene were awesome, too! Both women read me the Bible. Jimi also gave me another book when she left. And Charlene was the one who gave me her clothes! God is so good!
Oh, and did I mention that I have new Dr's now?? They made GREAT progress in finding out what's PHYSICALLY wrong with me. PRAISE GOD! He is so good. ^_^
I know there is a stigma attatched to spending time in a mental institution. However, after my experience, I think everyone should! :)
Waiting in the ER, my thoughts went to the worst when I imagined my stay in a mental institution. My thoughts ran to all the typical scenes in Hollywood movies: man banging his helmeted head against the wall...girl being raped by a guard.
Thankfully, my experience was so far beyond amazing. Yes, my meals were planned and carefully examined to check how much i had eaten. Yes, I couldn't wear shoelaces due to the hanging hazard. BUT, there was so many amazing people that I ate my scheduled meals with and strolled around shoelaceless with! We read the Bible together twice and talked about God often.
I was given clothes by a woman who cared about me. My family hadn't been able to make it yet, so she left me her clothes when she was discharged. How amazing is that? That is such a God thing! I didn't have to worry about what I wore, because he provided it for me! God cared that I was one of the only people still wearing scrubs after a few days of being there. HE CARES!
Eric and Amber blessed me beyond reason! Eric, a rambunctious guy kept things lively and made me find confidence in myself. Amber made me feel at home and comfortable in such a strange place.
Jimi and Charlene were awesome, too! Both women read me the Bible. Jimi also gave me another book when she left. And Charlene was the one who gave me her clothes! God is so good!
Oh, and did I mention that I have new Dr's now?? They made GREAT progress in finding out what's PHYSICALLY wrong with me. PRAISE GOD! He is so good. ^_^
I know there is a stigma attatched to spending time in a mental institution. However, after my experience, I think everyone should! :)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
The Honesty
Trailing behind testimonies like a ragged, unwanted dog, honesty has been abandoned from Christian tales of God's power. I, too, have found myself lacking in honesty. Maybe it was to make God seem even more glorious.
The truth is, God doesn't need someone gifted in PR. He doesn't need any crafty catch phrases. The stories previously mentioned were completely true. However, I have avoided entering more thoughts and stories due to my current pains. That was a mistake. How can I show how great God is without admitting my own faults?
Lately, I've been spending more time in my head than usual. Hiding away behind my insecurities, thinking of all the ways that this journey of health has stolen my future. "I want to join the military." YOU CAN'T. YOU HAVE SEIZURES. "Should I have kids one day?" NO! THERE'S A TEN PERCENT CHANCE THAT IT WON'T BE HEALTHY BECAUSE OF YOUR MEDICATIONS.
Thought after thought bombarded me like mortars relentlessly pounding upon my head day and night. Strangely enough, I found salvation from the tyranny of my own mind. To put it shortly, God tells Moses that He has great plans for him. He wants to use Moses as a shepherd to lead his people out of slavery. But, Moses is all, "Dude, I can't even talk good! How am I suppose to let them know you sent me? I'll be awfull." So God gets pissed and basically tells Moses that he makes blind, deaf, and mute people. God's like, "I made you! Don't you think I can handle your speech issues?! They can't get in the way of my plan for you!" But, Moses didn't seem to trust God. So, God sent him with Aaron, who could apparently rock the pulpit. Sadly, in the end, Moses didn't believe that God could rise him above any speech impediment or shyness that he had. Therefore, God chose someone else to speak for Moses.
I'm not saying that Moses was a bad dude. I'm just saying that I don't want to limit what God has for me because of my seizures. Moses was apparently really bad at speaking. It even sounded like he might of had a health condition that caused him to be that way. Still, God was ready to move that mountain! Moses, for whatever reason, was not ready. Maybe he was use to his life and didn't want change. He could have just been insecure. No matter the cause, he limited God's power in that area of his life. MAYBE GOD WOULD HAVE COMPLETELY HEALED HIM!
All I know is that I don't want to go down that road. I don't want God to get someone else to speak the words that He meant to come out of MY mouth. Nothing can get in the way of God's perfect plan for me. All I have to do is believe. With God's power, I can trust him to give me the faith that rises above any illness.
The truth is, God doesn't need someone gifted in PR. He doesn't need any crafty catch phrases. The stories previously mentioned were completely true. However, I have avoided entering more thoughts and stories due to my current pains. That was a mistake. How can I show how great God is without admitting my own faults?
Lately, I've been spending more time in my head than usual. Hiding away behind my insecurities, thinking of all the ways that this journey of health has stolen my future. "I want to join the military." YOU CAN'T. YOU HAVE SEIZURES. "Should I have kids one day?" NO! THERE'S A TEN PERCENT CHANCE THAT IT WON'T BE HEALTHY BECAUSE OF YOUR MEDICATIONS.
Thought after thought bombarded me like mortars relentlessly pounding upon my head day and night. Strangely enough, I found salvation from the tyranny of my own mind. To put it shortly, God tells Moses that He has great plans for him. He wants to use Moses as a shepherd to lead his people out of slavery. But, Moses is all, "Dude, I can't even talk good! How am I suppose to let them know you sent me? I'll be awfull." So God gets pissed and basically tells Moses that he makes blind, deaf, and mute people. God's like, "I made you! Don't you think I can handle your speech issues?! They can't get in the way of my plan for you!" But, Moses didn't seem to trust God. So, God sent him with Aaron, who could apparently rock the pulpit. Sadly, in the end, Moses didn't believe that God could rise him above any speech impediment or shyness that he had. Therefore, God chose someone else to speak for Moses.
I'm not saying that Moses was a bad dude. I'm just saying that I don't want to limit what God has for me because of my seizures. Moses was apparently really bad at speaking. It even sounded like he might of had a health condition that caused him to be that way. Still, God was ready to move that mountain! Moses, for whatever reason, was not ready. Maybe he was use to his life and didn't want change. He could have just been insecure. No matter the cause, he limited God's power in that area of his life. MAYBE GOD WOULD HAVE COMPLETELY HEALED HIM!
All I know is that I don't want to go down that road. I don't want God to get someone else to speak the words that He meant to come out of MY mouth. Nothing can get in the way of God's perfect plan for me. All I have to do is believe. With God's power, I can trust him to give me the faith that rises above any illness.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
True Church
Lifting up my arm in agony, I stared down in an attempt to find the source of my pain. Swollen, red flesh was under my arm. Stinging knots had developed under my skin. My face, now covered in a rashy, swollen mess, caused my heart to sink. Unfortunately, my condition had not gotten any better, and a Dr. was needed.
Slowly walking into the hospital ER, my body weakened by surgery, I hoped that this visit would end quickly. Hours passed by like long days, and my heart grew weary. However, out of nowhere, my mother and I began to talk to a man and woman. We spoke about the hours we'd spent waiting: the man had been there for about 4 hours, the woman for 2 days. The woman stood up into a weakened stance, her eyes drooping. "Will you watch my stuff?" she asked. All three of us did: my mother, the man, and I. While she was gone, we spent the time talking of our reason for coming. The man, an attractive fifty year old, spoke of his recent fall into poverty. His family, once always wealthy, was impoverished. He and his brothers all had to save up to pay for his fathers cancer treatments. Though the conversations delved into what sounded like deep despair, a light hearted connection was building. Before the lady had come back, we had discovered that his back was broken, but he had a great sense of humor!
I told him of my brain surgery, growing excited when I began to share how blessed I felt...how favored by God I was! I told him how I had been lead by God to read Job. God was in me to count my infirmity as a blessing! I had grown so close to God. "I just feel favored," I told him. He looked at me, eyes filled with tears. He told me(paraphrasing): "I was so angry this morning. I told my dad that I was going to have to come here and wait for hours. I told him how miserable I would be. But, it's been hours...and you and your mother......I haven't heard you complain once. You are such a blessing-" he began to weep. "I'm so sorry. It's just...you are a blessing." My heart overfills with blessings just remembering his blue eyes, filled with tears. "Girl, you are favored! Maybe you could pray for me sometime," he spoke with sincerity in his eyes, though his voice carried self-protecting humor.
Looking in his eyes, I asked, "Can I pray for you now?" He stared shocked...and it breaks my heart, because he looked honored. He looked honored to have me pray for him. I walked over, held his hand, and prayed.
When I had walked back to my seat, he told me, heart in his throat, "I'll never forget you."
The truth is, I will never forget him. I will never forget the ten plus hours we all spent together. I'll never forget our conversations about life, love, money, and pain. I will never forget how a man, barely able to walk due to a back injury, offered to walk across the street to go buy us some McDonalds. I will never forget his tears, the feeling in those times. When strangers lifted eachother up in prayer, poured out their hearts and fears, shared their pain...served eachother. I will always remember the first time that I saw Christ's church as it was truly meant to be.
Slowly walking into the hospital ER, my body weakened by surgery, I hoped that this visit would end quickly. Hours passed by like long days, and my heart grew weary. However, out of nowhere, my mother and I began to talk to a man and woman. We spoke about the hours we'd spent waiting: the man had been there for about 4 hours, the woman for 2 days. The woman stood up into a weakened stance, her eyes drooping. "Will you watch my stuff?" she asked. All three of us did: my mother, the man, and I. While she was gone, we spent the time talking of our reason for coming. The man, an attractive fifty year old, spoke of his recent fall into poverty. His family, once always wealthy, was impoverished. He and his brothers all had to save up to pay for his fathers cancer treatments. Though the conversations delved into what sounded like deep despair, a light hearted connection was building. Before the lady had come back, we had discovered that his back was broken, but he had a great sense of humor!
I told him of my brain surgery, growing excited when I began to share how blessed I felt...how favored by God I was! I told him how I had been lead by God to read Job. God was in me to count my infirmity as a blessing! I had grown so close to God. "I just feel favored," I told him. He looked at me, eyes filled with tears. He told me(paraphrasing): "I was so angry this morning. I told my dad that I was going to have to come here and wait for hours. I told him how miserable I would be. But, it's been hours...and you and your mother......I haven't heard you complain once. You are such a blessing-" he began to weep. "I'm so sorry. It's just...you are a blessing." My heart overfills with blessings just remembering his blue eyes, filled with tears. "Girl, you are favored! Maybe you could pray for me sometime," he spoke with sincerity in his eyes, though his voice carried self-protecting humor.
Looking in his eyes, I asked, "Can I pray for you now?" He stared shocked...and it breaks my heart, because he looked honored. He looked honored to have me pray for him. I walked over, held his hand, and prayed.
When I had walked back to my seat, he told me, heart in his throat, "I'll never forget you."
The truth is, I will never forget him. I will never forget the ten plus hours we all spent together. I'll never forget our conversations about life, love, money, and pain. I will never forget how a man, barely able to walk due to a back injury, offered to walk across the street to go buy us some McDonalds. I will never forget his tears, the feeling in those times. When strangers lifted eachother up in prayer, poured out their hearts and fears, shared their pain...served eachother. I will always remember the first time that I saw Christ's church as it was truly meant to be.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Cradled
Holding me closely, my mother was always comforting my heart. She brought me home from the hospital and cradled me in her arms. Sometimes, the pain and confusion would get so bad that I would curl up on the couch with her and weep. I remember a moment when I lay in her arms, but the familiar comfort couldn't stop my fear.
Leaving the couch, I took short, determined steps toward the room that I slept in. My bones, every one of them, betrayed me. Flames of pain tormentingly wrapped around every inch. My brain lied to me, continuously telling me of its impending doom. You're going to die. I could hear it with every mind numbing moment. Every second felt like someone was using my head as a stress ball.
When I reached the room, I knelt down on the floor and spoke to God. "I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. God, I'm going to crawl up in that bed, believing that you will be there to hold me in your arms." I climbed into the bed, my face staring at the ceiling.
Astonished, I realized after some time that I was at peace. And not only at peace: I COULD NOT FEEL ANY PAIN! In that moment, I knew that God was holding me. I could feel him encircling me with his love and peace. It was so amazing, in fact, that I began to fear that I was dying! God took that fear from me. Laying in the arms of God, floating somewhere between this life and eternity, I fell asleep painlessly for the first time.
Astonished, I realized after some time that I was at peace. And not only at peace: I COULD NOT FEEL ANY PAIN! In that moment, I knew that God was holding me. I could feel him encircling me with his love and peace. It was so amazing, in fact, that I began to fear that I was dying! God took that fear from me. Laying in the arms of God, floating somewhere between this life and eternity, I fell asleep painlessly for the first time.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Faithful
Lights dimmed. I could hear the sounds of trauma victims entering the Neuro ICU. Gargeling and sounds of hoses shoved down unwilling throats filled the air. My head stood completely still, rigid from fear. I asked my mom a favor. But she told me, "I don't understand what you are asking." The anger arose within me. Am I that bad off? Can I not speak clearly? Tears filled my eyes. Whether it was straight after, I do not know, but a scripture was brought to mind. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Surely, my God who delivered me through this surgery will allow me to speak clearly!
Moments later, a nurse walked in. She was spry and dragged boundless joy in the room. Opening my eyelids, she lifted her flashlight and swept it over each eye. I felt the urge to ask her a question, a question that I would have never asked a stranger before: "Do you believe in God? I do. I believe that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it." These words shocked my nurse. But I do not believe that more than a few moments passed without her speaking, "Yes, I do!" she announced. She then began telling me the story of how her heart use to believe a lie, and how God recently set her free. Her joy was overflowing, and that joy washed over me, rinsing out all fear.
Moments later, a nurse walked in. She was spry and dragged boundless joy in the room. Opening my eyelids, she lifted her flashlight and swept it over each eye. I felt the urge to ask her a question, a question that I would have never asked a stranger before: "Do you believe in God? I do. I believe that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it." These words shocked my nurse. But I do not believe that more than a few moments passed without her speaking, "Yes, I do!" she announced. She then began telling me the story of how her heart use to believe a lie, and how God recently set her free. Her joy was overflowing, and that joy washed over me, rinsing out all fear.
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